Could We Start Again, Please?
by Maribor
Summary: AU/One Shot Eleven goes back to see Donna on her deathbed in a belated attempt to make things right.


**Could We Start Again, Please?**

He had discovered long ago that if you just walked briskly and with a sort of single minded purpose you could gain entrance and be accepted almost anywhere. That was how he entered the hospital and made his way up to the fifth floor. He glanced quickly at the dry erase board on the wall, scanning it to find her name and room number. Arriving at her door he gave a gentle knock before taking down her chart and thumbing through it.

"Oi, give us a rest will you?" Came the strong and familiar voice from inside. "I can't even take a nap without one of you needing a sample of this or a prick of that or just a look round here. Nothing's changed, I'm still dying!"

"Mrs. Temple Noble?" He asked tentatively as he entered. "So sorry to disturb I..." He trailed off, it had been more years than he dared count since he'd last seen her and there she was. His Donna. She looked so small sitting there in the large bed. She looked tired. She looked...old. This shouldn't have happened. On so many, many levels this shouldn't ever had happened.

She made a motion for him to continue but he found himself struggling for words.

Her hair was just as red as he remembered. It should have been silver or grey but it was red.

"Are you just going to stand there gawping? Waiting for me to put on a show of some sort?"

He shook his head slightly to clear the cobwebs.

"No, sorry just doing my...rounds. That's what they call them, right? Rounds? So, how are we?"

"You've got my chart, you tell me. Though I should think it was pretty obvious. And by the way, is there a reason the telly only shows the same three movies over and over and over again? There's only so many times one can watch Charleton Heston in The Ten Commandments before you start to lose your faith in a benevolent diety."

"Sorry, I'll get right on that. But in the meantime..." He sat down on the edge of her bed ignoring her affronted gaze. "Mrs. Temple-Noble...tell me about your life."

She blinked at him suddenly at a loss.

"My life? Wha-what do you mean my life?"

"Just what I said." He pressed. "Your life. Go."

She studied him for a good long while. Her eyes scanning his face trying to discern just what his angle was and if he was even worth the energy it would take to blow up. In the end she apparently decided he wasn't worth it after all though she did seem surprised as she started to oblige him.

"Well what is it you want to know?" She asked pressing her lips together tightly.

"How did you end up here?"

"I'm 96 you nitwit. How do you think?"

He nodded and thumbed through her chart confusion spreading across his features. It didn't make sense, none of what he saw added up to the aged woman he saw before him. But then it dawned on him.

Of course. He thought. She got confused. She lost her way.

"Some people at this stage of life choose hospice care so that they can stay home with friends and family. That's why I ask."

A pained looked colored her face for a moment.

"I haven't any friends or family. I did but that was ages ago."

"That must be lonely." He said with a quick nod. "I know a thing or two about being lonely myself."

She scoffed.

"You're a ten year old. What could you possibly understand about it?"

He gave her a conceding nod and encouraged her to continue.

Tears began to fill her eyes and he saw her irritation at their arrival.

"Do you know how painful it is to outlive everyone you love? Do you have any idea how gruesome that is? People say they want exactly what I have, money and to live forever. Well let me tell you something, sweetheart, people are idiots. This is a nightmare." Her voice grew softer, shedding its malice for the pain it had always hidden. "One protracted nightmare."

He wanted to reach out and hug her, draw her close to him like he had all those years ago when he'd said goodbye. But he didn't dare. Things were far too precarious for that and he couldn't let them fall apart. Not now and certainly not here.

"We're you never happy, Mrs. Temple-Noble?"

"Oh God, _Donna_...if you keep saying Mrs. Temple-Noble I'll be dead before you can even finish the question.

He smiled and she gave a hint of one in return, a welcome surprise. "Very well, Donna, then."

"Yes, yes I was very, very happy once. Married a good man, hit the lottery. My life changed from that moment on. We had some marvellous years together."

"Children?"

Her face darkened and he watched it with nervous anticipation. What she said was unfortunately precisely what he expected.

"I couldn't..." She swallowed and tried again. "They tested Shaun in every way possible. When it didn't seem to be his swimmers they turned to me. The test results came back very odd."

"Odd how?"

"Odd as in none of your business." She snapped.

"Sorry, didn't mean to pry." He set her chart down on the bed and started at her, guilt flooding his body. This was his doing. Every single stitch.

"Who are you anyway? You're not my doctor."

He smiled.

"No...no I'm not your doctor, not exactly. I'm Mr. Smith. I was sent by the village commission. We come to visit the seniors in hospital and try and cheer them up. Take them out for walks and such. Would you like to step outside, maybe go for a stroll about the grounds?"

She looked at him like he was mad.

"It's the middle of the night."

"Well, so it is. That might be rather nice. A moonlit walk. Wouldn't you like to see the stars again, Donna?"

She pressed her lips together again in that way he remembered. That determined, 'I'm thinking about it and I won't be rushed' way she always had.

"You're barmy." She said. But he noticed her legs had shifted the sheets as if he'd been about to leave the bed.

"You have no idea." He extended a hand to her. "Come with me."

She took his hand though the look on her face made it clear she didn't know why. Once she was on her feet he helped her on with her dressing gown and they started towards the door.

There were stopped almost immediately by the matron.

"And where do we think we're going Mrs. Temple-Noble?"

Donna sneered as she answered straightening her frame and meeting the younger womans eyes.

"We think we're going out for a walk."

"Oh no, I don't believe so, dear." The Matron responded with all the condescension she could muster. "It's very late and you're liable to catch your death. I'm sure your grandson can come back another day."

"Grandson." He chuckled at her side. "She thinks I'm-"

"Listen." Donna said pointing a finger towards her jailer. "We are going. We're going to walk out of the room, down the hall, hop in the lift and head straight outside and I'd really like to see you try and stop me. Because in case you've forgotten Matron Parcel let me remind you where we are. We're in the Shaun Temple wing. Without my money this part of the hospital wouldn't even exist and you wouldn't have a job scaring pensioners. So, I'm pretty sure I can leave it when I like. Come on, boy." She said grabbing the man's hand and striding down the hall with him in tow her red hair blowing back behind her.

"She loves to do that, you know. Loves to put people in their place. Well she picked the wrong old misery to get tough with tonight."

As he walked behind her the man took notice of the spirit having returned to her voice. Same old Donna, never quite as happy as when she was sparring.

The got into the lift and as it descended to the bottom floor she glanced at him.

"Never much of a stargazer myself." She offered.

"No?"

"Nope, never really found all that much up there to see."

"Really?"

"Are you going to answer everything I say with a question?" She asked sharply.

"Perhaps I am?"

Donna glanced at him before giving a short derisive little laugh. "Anyway, everybody was always like, look up. But all I ever saw was the space between all those stars, all those empty black patches. It just seemed so lonely. It's far away from us and up there everything is far away from everything else."

"It can be lonely, I won't deny that. But it's not nearly as far away as you think. And there's such marvellous beauty just waiting..."

She was looking at him like he was crazy as they left the building and started walking through the grass.

"What, are you an astronaut?" She asked. "Been to the stars lately?"

"Something like that." he said with a smile.

Donna observed him for a moment, studying his face intently while he did his best to avoid eye contact.

"I've never met you before but somehow..." She wrinkled her forehead and then for a moment looked pained.

"Are you alright?" He asked with concern.

"Fine." She said brusquely. "I just get these headaches sometimes. It's always happened to me."

"Well...Maybe I just have one of those faces." He said with a shrug and a smile.

"No, there's nothing that special about your face."

"Oh, well thank you." He feigned indignance but the truth was he'd missed this...terribly.

"Sorry..." She said with a shake of her head. "Shaun always said I had a wicked tongue. I've never been able to help it. I've always spoken my mind. Not that anyone ever cared. That's the funny thing. Even with all this money, no one really listens to you, they just pretend like they are. That's what money buys you. people pay you the courtesy of pretending"

They strode a bit longer in silence, the air was cool and the farther they walked from the hospital and it's lights the brighter the stars appeared to glow. He noticed her glancing upwards perhaps giving them a bit more attention than she expected.

"Donna...I looked at your chart." He chose his next words carefully. "There's nothing medically wrong with you yet you're deteriorating every day. Why is that?"

"You're the doctor, you tell me." She said with a shrug.

"That's not even the oddest thing."

She stopped to gaze at him.

"What is?"

"The oddest thing is that you've been keeping a brisk pace with me, you're not out of breath. You're not tired in the least."

She shook her head and actually upped her speed not answering his question.

"Does it occur to you that when you forget you're dying you actually start living."

At that she turned and then took a few steps back from him her eyes narrowed and suspicious.

"I want to go back to hospital now." She said quickly.

"Do you?" He asked.

"Yes! I'm tired!"

"Are you?" he fired back. "Because I don't think that's true. I think there's not a thing wrong with you. I think you've convinced yourself that you're old and tired and now is the time to die because you don't know what else to do. But that isn't the only answer."

"Are you mental?" She grabbed two handfuls of her nightgown, raising it slightly so it wouldn't drag in the grass as she approached. "I think I know my own body. I think I know myself. I am _old_. I am _tired_."

"Oh Donna...you haven't known yourself for a very, very long time. And I'm sorry..." The words were thick and they halted in his throat. Tears stung his eyes and yet he swallowed hard pushing on. "I am so, so sorry."

She stopped short but she didn't look at him. Instead she looked away, the way you do when someone calls your name from a distance. The way you do when you're searching for someone or something. She turned back to him a look and gave a little shake of her head, confusion on her face.

"Beg pardon...what did you say?"

"What did the doctors actually say about why you couldn't have children?"

"Why?"

"Because I want to know, and you want to tell me."

"They said there was something wrong with me. Not just the normal infertile things either they said my body was incompatible. What does that even mean? How can two...humans not be compatible?"

"Why did you stumble over human?" He pressed.

"I didn't."

"You did. Just now you stumbled over the word human, why is that?"

"You're being stupid. You're not from any senior center. I don't know who you are."

"Yes you do, Donna. A part of you had known this whole time, a part of you was waiting for me and I'm sorry, I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long but it couldn't be helped. I had to delay."

She ran a hand through her hair, trying to get her bearings, trying to figure out just what it was he was getting at. But he could see what was really happening, he could see her pushing it away. "Delay what? What are you blathering on about!?"

"Donna, once upon a time you traveled so far. You traveled and you lived and you saw amazing things and you met incredible beings and once, once Donna Noble, you saved the entirety of creation."

"I don't want to hear this. I'm...I'm not feeling well. I need to get back."

"Donna, please just listen. I had to wait until this night. This very night because tonight is the night you're going to die."

Her eyes widened and she took a step back from him.

"You'd kill an old lady?"

"Me? No, I'm not going to kill you. Your hearts going to stop. That's the cause of death. But it doesn't have to end this way. Please let me help you."

He could see the fear in her eyes but it wasn't fear of him but fear of what he might say next."

"Just leave me alone." She said softly. "Please Doc-"

"Please who? Please who?"

"My head..." She was whimpering and it was breaking his hearts.

She sank down to the ground, covering her face with her hands and he hit the damp grass with her.

"I left you, Donna. I took away everything we did, everything you saw, everything you became and I am sorry. I am so sorry I did that. I didn't have any other option then."

"You have to call someone. You have to call the matron or the nurse...someone..." She begged.

"So you _do _want to live? Hold onto that feeling. Think Donna. You can do this. You can focus, you have a choice. In this moment. Right here, right now. You can choose to be anything and anyone you want to be. Anything at all you just have to concentrate."

She was glowing now, shimmering. It began in her hands all that swirling, golden energy inking away from her fingertips and drifting out into space. As much as he wanted to stay, to guide her through this he couldn't and reluctantly he dropped her hand and started to step away.

The energy started swirling around her, building and rising as it poured from within. It was terrifying. He knew that. It was dying and being born all at once and no matter how many times he'd done it it was still brutally frightening and lonely.

A scream tore from her throat and as she flung her arms out she was eclipsed in that horrible, beautiful light of creative destruction. It seemed to last for ages and he had to shield his eyes, cowering and waiting for whatever would happen next. He wasn't sure. She was something entirely new, nothing else in the entirety of the universe was like Donna Noble and he had no idea what to expect.

All he did have was hope.

When he opened his eyes again after the light had died, after the screaming had stopped he blinked once...twice and saw her. She was gain sitting on the ground, legs folded under her, head lowered, a curtain of ginger hair shielding her face from him. She was gazing at her lap and looking remarkably calm all things considered.

"Doctor?" She said softly.

He was immediately at her side. When she raised her head and looked at him he smiled and nodded.

"It's me. Different face but same old me. Same old silly Doctor. Speaking of different faces. Look at you."

She held out her hands, the wrinkles and ravages of age having been smoothed away.

"I never had quite the nerve to go that young on my first go." He teased. "I had to work up to it. What are you...twenty seven?"

"Twenty five if I did it properly. I liked being twenty five. But you told you...yourself, that second you, that you couldn't regenerate?"

"A life with the possibility of regeneration at the end of it can be a life wasted. I wanted him to enjoy his time with Rose, every moment, every second. Regeneration is a choice, Donna. It's always a choice. He'll figure that out...eventually and then he can decide what he wants to do. I wanted to give you that same chance."

He stood up and extended his hand to help her to her feet. She took it gingerly and then bounded up looking positively amazed. He new that feeling well too. That overwhelming joy at your new body, fresh, unused, un-abused ready to try all over again.

But as he looked into her eyes he saw something else there, all those built up and backlogged resentments were bubbling to the surface.

"You left me." She said pointedly. "I pleaded with you to stay, not to turn me back into what I was and you did it anyways." She advanced on him poking him hard in the chest. "Do you know what that does to a person? To have this vague idea that at some point, somewhere they could have been somebody, that they might have done something important?" her voice cracked. "That they might have mattered? And to constantly have the world relieve you of that stupid, silly notion every bloody day?!"

Her hand flew back and connected with his face and he reeled backwards for a moment.

"Ow!"

"I have waited 56 years to do that, Spaceman." Her anger had flared but just as quickly seemed to be fading. "You hurt me. You _murdered _a part of me."

He lowered his head. This was what he deserved but it was also what a part of him wanted. Yes, he had sulked about feeling sorry for himself but that was different than facing the rage of the people he had wronged. The fury of those he hadn't been clever enough to save. This was Donna's right. And he would stand there and take anything and everything she had bottled up inside for him.

"You know," She began. "If you'd only given me a moment I could have explained to you that the dormant huon particles in my body could have helped to stabilize the meta-crisis bioconversion. if you'd taken me to the zero room, put me in stasis for a week I would have been fine.

"But.." He sputtered. "All the huon particles are gone. The Racnoss queen-."

"You are thick, aren't you? You can't get rid of each and every particle. They're created using a hydrogen base and need to build up in your system to become active. Nearly 10% of the human body is composed of hydrogen so even if the Racnoss removed 99.9% of huon particles that still leaves .1% margin of error which interacts with the 10% of hydrogen in my body which itself binds to carbon and nitrogen both of which are present in ever single living cell. Which means-

"Which means they're still a part of you, they _are _you but in such low concentration as to remain inert. They'd never do any damage, never attract anyone's attention."

"Am I a screaming genius or what? I think I should be bumped up to Time Lord." She said crossing her arms, a hint of a smile on her face.

"Donna...you already are." He said seriously. "You are a Time Lady."

She swallowed and looked at him digesting his words.

"I understand if you're still terribly cross with me." He offered.

"You did the best you could. You're limited by the fact that you only have that big pulsing Gallifreyan brain but no human intuition or ingenuity." She frowned and glanced at him. "Oooh that sounded rude didn't it? I sound kinda like you. The old you. What happened to him anyway?"

"He um...he died. After he..._I _ left you...things went wrong. I did things I shouldn't have. I changed things. I hurt people." It was his turn to swallow now as he thought back to those dark days. "I lost my way. I died alone. In the TARDIS. I don't suppose I deserved to have anyone with me."

She approached him and he had the instinct to flinch, worried that he might be chastised for moping and moaning about. Instead she just embraced him. Wrapped her arms tightly about his body resting her chin on his shoulder.

"No one should die alone. Least of all you." Se whispered. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you."

To his surprise he found himself sniffling as he sank into her embrace.

"Thank you for being there for me." She continued.

"What happens now?" He questioned softly.

Donna pulled back with a smile.

"Oh he's asking me is he? Well that's new."

"I would say we could just sit here and chat but I think we may have drawn a bit of attention to ourselves."

Her eyes met his, peering out of that face, younger than he had ever seen her. But like his, her eyes were older than anyone could have imagined.

"I've missed you so much..." He said a bit brokenly. "I'm by myself now. I've lost..." He cleared his throat to halt the flood of words that threatened to break through. "I understand if you don't want to come with me."

She scoffed.

"Oh don't think you're getting rid of me that easily, sweetheart. You're damn right I'm coming with you. Come on." She said as she started to stride off away from him. "She's this way. I can hear the old girl."

He followed his friend eagerly. It was good to have Donna leading the way again.

"You're going to treat me with respect this time. No more memory wipes."

"No, none I promise!"

"And no leaving me anywhere for my own good. I'm just as important as you are. I'm nobody's carry on luggage."

They trudged for a bit longer and he only caught up to her once she'd come to a stop. "I saw her." She said softly just as the TARDIS appeared before them shielded slightly by the brush. "Every night in my dreams I saw this blue box. I couldn't ever quite remember it when I woke up but...I just knew."

"She does tend to get into your head."

"You never fixed her. You had all this time and she still looks like a bleeding' police box." She said stroking the exterior lovingly.

"To be fair you never finished your sentence. You got stuck on binary." He grinned, so much of the sting now gone from that memory. "Not to mention. I love the Police Box."

"So do I." She smiled. "So, are we off then?" She pushed her way into the TARDIS and he noted that the ship had unlocked the door for her welcoming an old friend home. "You promised to show me the Fifteenth Broken Moon of the Medusa Cascade, the Lightning Skies of Cotter Palluni's World, Diamond Coral Reefs of Kataa Flo Ko and about 20 dozen other places."

"So, I did. After you, Donna."

"That's the Doctor-Donna to you." She said cheekily as they disappeared inside. "And same deal as last time. I don't know if this adolescent face you've chosen means you're going through puberty or something but I'm just here as your mate. Despite how devastatingly attractive I may currently be." She smiled and reached for his hand. "Your best mate, if that position remains unfilled."

"My best mate." he affirmed. "But, The Doctor-Donna, Do I really have to call you that? It's a bit of a mouthful."

God, how he'd missed their banter.

"No...but there's a couple of things I'd like to call you. Oh and about this lovely ship of yours. Haven't you figured out yet that the reason it makes that noise when it lands is because you leave the brakes on?"

He leaned back against the console and watched as she expertly and easily began to pilot the ship into the vortex.

"You know, someone may have mentioned that, once or twice."


End file.
